Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Making Cheesecake and Learning to Trust God

What do you think of the new look? Eh? Eh? I love white and spring green together. Too bad it's about to be Fall... oh well!

I have a cheesecake in the oven. It's the first time I've ever made a REAL cheesecake before. With spring form pan and all. I'm just a little bit upset because I won't be able to eat it until tomorrow. It has to sit in the fridge overnight. That's why I like Jello-O's no-bake cheesecakes. They only take an hour to make and they're pretty good, too! But I made this cheesecake entirely from scratch. I even crushed up graham crackers and stuff. It'll be delicious. I also made dinner tonight - salmon fillets with a honey and soy glaze. It looked amazing, but I wasn't won over with the taste. Something tells me it needed to cook longer. Hmm. Not sure I'll try that one again.

I tend to be very critical of my own cooking.

I think I'm almost over this sickness. Really. There's not so much snot anymore, and I'm not coughing my head off every other minute. We'll see, though.

So last night I got to go to Breakaway. It makes me sad that I haven't been able to go as much this semester. I planned on it, but being sick and crazy busy has messed me up a little bit. But, last night, I was finally able to go. Everything that I've been learning about this week, God spoke through Ben. We sang "Ruin Me" (the song from my last post) after studying Luke 12:22-34. Jesus tells His followers not to worry about anything, because our Daddy in Heaven is going to take care of us.

I really needed to hear all of that


I know in my head that God will take care of me. I say it all the time.

But my heart wasn't believing it. I wasn't trusting God the way I should.

You see, I have terrible anxiety when it comes to graduating from A&M. I simply don't want to do it. If I could get an occupation as a college student, I would. I love it here.

I love being able to walk around campus. I love not having to worry about the "real world." I love having a different schedule every semester. I love being able to do random stuff when I want. I love being able to meet up with my friends for lunch. I love having [almost] everyone I love in one place.

I don't like thinking about moving away and living somewhere on my own. I don't like thinking about not being able to see my friends when I want to. I don't like thinking about getting a real job, to earn money to support myself. It doesn't appeal to me at all.

I get worried about my future, because it seems surreal and strange to me. It seems... grown up. I certainly don't feel grown up! I like dealing with college students. I don't want to deal with adults. Even if I'm going to become one.

This is where I have a hard time trusting God. I know He has a plan for me. I know He loves me unconditionally. I know He will provide for me. I know He will lead me. I know He is good. I know what He has for me is good.

But I don't want to let go of all my fear and anxiety and believe all those things. I need to let it affect me. I need that peace.

I can live day-to-day with peace, but when I think about my future, I tense up and anxiety seeps in.

That is not what God wants for me! That's what the world does: worry!

To be able to let go and let God (sorry, I know it's cliche) was amazing. I was able to say the words

Ruin my life, the plans that I've made
Ruin desires for my own selfish gain
Destroy the idols that have taken Your place
Till it's You alone I live for

with all my heart.

It is freeing.

I'm excited about life.

I can't wait to see what God has for me after graduation. Because it's His plan. He is good, righteous, perfect and He created me. What better reason do I have to trust Him?

Well my friends, I am done here for right now.

Cheesecake calls.



Ashley said...

can we just start our own degree plan? maybe something like, collegiate studies? hahaha. i miss you, and i'm not feeling this whole "i only see my other whole once a week" thing. WE HAVE TO HANG OUT MORRRRRRREEEEEEEE! :)

Erin said...

I am the same way Katie! I wish I had gone to Breakaway yesterday. I was literally sick to my stomach all day yesterday just thinkning about what to do when I graduate. Its 2 months away and I am scared to death! When I try to think of where I'm the most happy all I can think of is A&M and the relationships I have with the people here! No one told me I wouldn't want to leave!